New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

spaceprophet · Post by **spaceprophet** » 07-01-2005 06:03 PM

SCOTTSDALE, AZ(AP)—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.

"I love my son," Oebrick said. "But, you understand, I'm worried, too."

Among the many "small signs" that suggest that his son may be gay, Oebrick cited a home video in which the toddler crawls across the living-room carpet of the family's suburban Scottsdale home, wiggling his hips from side to side.

"I don't think it's normal for a baby to move like that," said Oebrick, wincing as the infant paused and flapped an arm in the air. "Don't you think that's a little strange?"

According to Oebrick, Michael has an excessive fondness for bright colors and "things that sparkle."

"Sequins, glitter, feathers," said the recent father, listing some of the things that Michael likes. "And he really likes flowers."

According to Oebrick, Michael is fussy during meals and picky about his clothes. When he hurts himself, he "cries like a baby." Additionally, the toddler has a "very strong attraction" to a stuffed lion with a rainbow-striped mane, an apparent preference for bottle-feeding over breastfeeding, and an evident love for bouncing up and down in his jumper device "like some guy at a club."

New to parenting, Oebrick said he is "plagued" by demanding responsibilities, unexpected expenses, and "a million tiny things" that indicate that his infant son might be a homosexual.

Oebrick said he doubts that strangers can even tell that Michael is a boy when they first meet him, but he acknowledged that this is not his biggest concern. According to the recent father, his most urgent concern is the confused baby's constant need to suck on a pacifier.

"That can't be right. Can it?" Oebrick said.

Oebrick said he first began to worry about Michael's sexual orientation when the boy was two months old.

"He would giggle constantly," Oebrick said. "And he had a very weak handshake."

Oebrick recalled the first time he saw his newborn child smile.

"Obviously, I was thrilled," Oebrick said. "But the thing is, he kept on smiling. He'd smile through breakfast, he'd smile in his car seat, he'd smile at strangers. It was excessive. It was around then I started to think, 'What if Michael can't help himself?'"

According to Oebrick, there were several months during which the infant's head would wobble if it wasn't supported by an adult.

"He was always swinging his head around," Oebrick said. "Our pediatrician told me it was normal, but it seemed pretty... well, gay."

Oebrick's worries were renewed last month during a Memorial Day cookout, when Michael "seemed too interested in my buddies," staring at them for long intervals.

"My friend Ben was bouncing Michael on his knee, and he was giggling and drooling like crazy," Oebrick said. "That didn't bother me so much, but when Ben put him down, Michael started crawling after every other guy at the party, giggling and grabbing at their pants legs like crazy."

"It was like he was the belle of the ball," Oebrick said. "When Rob played peek-a-boo with him, he got so excited he actually wet his pants."

Oebrick repeatedly said that, no matter what his son's sexual orientation, he refuses to be a "distant father."

"My dad was rarely around," Oebrick said. "He was always either working or drinking with his buddies, and that left my mom to raise me and my sisters. It won't be like that for Michael. He'll have a strong male role model. It looks like he's really gonna need it."

The Onion

Iris · Post by **Iris** » 07-01-2005 07:09 PM

LOL! The Onion strikes again!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 07-01-2005 08:31 PM

I love good satire. I would have posted this myself if somebody else hadn't.

Unfortunately, once you get used to satire, you recognize it right away. It doesn't get to sneak up on you anymore.

black widow · Post by **black widow** » 07-04-2005 05:27 PM

LOL,LOL,LOL,
Woops I think I was laughing so hard me mite have peed a little:D

Hm...doe's that mean me mite be of need of a diaper me self??:D :p

Alien_UK · Post by **Alien_UK** » 07-15-2005 02:35 PM

New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

I thinks my boyfriend might be gay

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 07-15-2005 03:21 PM

Worse yet I think mine is gay.

Dale O Sea · Post by **Dale O Sea** » 07-15-2005 05:24 PM

Sequoya wrote: I love good satire. I would have posted this myself if somebody else hadn't.

Unfortunately, once you get used to satire, you recognize it right away. It doesn't get to sneak up on you anymore.

If something sneaks up on you down here in The Brig you just better have your shots and hope your estate and insurance are in order..

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 07-15-2005 05:35 PM

Fred_Vobbe · Post by **Fred_Vobbe** » 07-16-2005 07:59 AM

Sequoya wrote: Worse yet I think mine is gay.

I guess I'm a lesbian. I like girls.

Alien_UK · Post by **Alien_UK** » 07-16-2005 09:54 AM

Sequoya wrote: Worse yet I think mine is gay.

If you look anything like the girl in the avatar than that would be a serious crime, and I’d say he needs help:D

Alien_UK · Post by **Alien_UK** » 07-16-2005 09:56 AM

Fred_Vobbe wrote: I guess I'm a lesbian. I like girls.

You can count me in on that too Fred

I’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body

Fred_Vobbe · Post by **Fred_Vobbe** » 07-16-2005 02:00 PM

Alien_UK wrote: You can count me in on that too Fred
I’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body

My problem is that I'm a real ugly lesbian trapped in a man's body. You know, as in three bagger, coyote ugly, a face that could stop Big Ben, one of the Lee brothers ... Ug or Home.

:p

Alien_UK · Post by **Alien_UK** » 07-16-2005 02:11 PM

Fred_Vobbe wrote: My problem is that I'm a real ugly lesbian trapped in a man's body. You know, as in three bagger, coyote ugly, a face that could stop Big Ben, one of the Lee brothers ... Ug or Home.

:p

You don’t do yourself justice Fred, you look quite normal in your photo. Or did you spend long evenings retouching it?:D

vigo · Post by **vigo** » 07-16-2005 02:24 PM

Yeah I concur Fred looks quite cuddly...

Urrr If I uhh were a girl uhhh. Never mind:D

Satire or not, there are some who might want Jerry Falwell's purple handbag litmus test.

:p When is he going to come out. Kinda like Archie Bunker complaining about all those bigots.

Fred_Vobbe · Post by **Fred_Vobbe** » 07-16-2005 07:05 PM

Alien_UK wrote: You don’t do yourself justice Fred, you look quite normal in your photo. Or did you spend long evenings retouching it?:D

I paid the graphics artist at the TV station a 24 pack of Bud. With enough makeup you can make Arnold the pig look like Arnold the govenor. .... ah, ok, not good analogy, but you get the idea.