laugh a bit with ole 68

[Alien_UK]

Top 11 reasons Dubya planned to bomb the al-Jazeera network

11. Wanted to send a message to CBS.

10. Ran out of anthrax.

9. Promised Rupert Murdock a lucrative, "no-bid" contract.

8. Al-Jazeera White House correspondent tried to ask a "follow-up" question.

7. It's only terrorism when it's done to us.

6. Attorney General advised that he couldn't torture the al-Jazeera staff.

5. Al-Jazeera website linked to a flash animation depicting Dubya as dim-witted.

4. "Philosophy of life" doesn't extend to journalists.

3. Thought he needed a diversion from the U.S. use of chemical weapons in Fallujah.

2. al-Jazeera ran colorized version of "It's a Wonderful Life."

1. Osama bin Laden wasn't there.

[Fred_Vobbe]

Stories that Ole 68 sent in to George at Coast to Coast, that George said he would send on to Rush for "topical humor".


Construction workers in Lower Manhattan believe they've unearthed parts of a 240-year-old stone wall. They know the wall came from the 1760's because all the graffiti was done in calligraphy.


Top 5 Pieces of Graffiti on the 240-Year-Old Stone Wall in Lower Manhattan

- "Bach Rocks!"

- "Impeach George III"

- "Return to New Jersey, you Slow Horse-riding Swine!"

- "For a pleasurable afternoon, inquire after Miss Betsy Jones of Maiden Lane"

- "Disco Sucketh"



No Social Security!! The Supreme Court has ruled that federal officials can withhold Social Security checks from people who don't pay off their student loans. Too bad, because I was really counting on that Social Security money to help me pay off my student loans.


Jacko Indebto? Michael Jackson faces a $270 million debt foreclosure on December 20th, which means he could lose his Neverland Ranch and Sony Beatles music catalog. But Jackson won't get really scared until someone threatens to take away the monkey.



It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Biblical scholars explain why the wise men brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The stores were out of the Xbox 360.


Voters go to the polls in Iraq on December 15. Some fear intimidation by political opponents who don't want the likely outcome. The whole situation could turn into another Florida.


Congress has voted itself a pay raise. They earn it too. It's not easy day in and day out trying to cut poor people's benefits.

[Fred_Vobbe]

Stories which Tom Danheiser put in the shreader BEFORE George read on the air.


Christmas is coming. Some right wing evangelical groups are trying to force stores to replace "Happy Holidays" signs with "Merry Christmas". It's part of their broader campaign. Tolerance Sucks.

Meanwhile on the Iraq Election, the election in Iraq is Thursday. Some of the fundamentalist groups are a bit out there with their slogans. "Building a Bridge to the 14th Century."

Paramount Pictures will buy Dreamworks for 1.6 billion dollars. The new animation unit will help the parent company offer more creative works. Shrek 3, Shrek 4, Shrek 5, Shrek 6.

Gorilla in the Midst? "King Kong" opens this week in theaters. A giant ape easily crushes New York City's first line of defense. Authorities call in the Knicks.

Have you heard about movie phones? Sprint/Nextel will begin offering movies on cell phones. Talk about options. This gives customers yet one more reason not to look at the road.

Pope Benedict XVI told the huge crowd gathered in St. Peter's Square this morning that "rampant materialism is polluting the spirit of Christmas." Then he told everyone to hurry up and grab the 30% savings on all figurines at the Vatican gift shop.

Paramount has bought DreamWorks SKG, the movie studio created by Hollywood moguls Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen, for $1.6 billion. The price came out to $400 million for the studio and $1.2 billion for Katzenberg's ego.

In politics ... Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he'll do whatever it takes to stop liberal Senators from blocking Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court. But Democrats say they'd kill all the filibuster talk if Frist would just cut them in on some insider stock tips.

Coming up next, we will talk about the need for venting on forums, and if it's healthy. We'll speak to a doctor that suggests that such anger is not healthy, and that people posting over three negative messages a day must blame their actions on conservatives. And in our next hour it will be open lines, with a special dysfunctional radio listener line. Call us if you have nothing to say good about anything. Tommy will hang up on you.

[Old65]

Still having health problems,but these laughs mad my day.
Thanks for filling in Ole buddy Fred.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in heavy coats, mittens and hats warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, ya know, we're from Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in heavy coats, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We! 're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grillin walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Michigan men reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a fish fry when the weather's this nice."The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. Icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michigan lads. He gets there and finds them back in their coats, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michigan boys look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't ya know, if hell has frozen over that must mean the Lions have won the Super Bowl!"



ole68

[Old65]

Thanks to the the man tonight no Desperate Housewife's



As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

[Old65]

:p :p

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?

"No," she replies........." She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."
ole68

[Old65]

:p :p :p
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle
plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent
overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts
France's ability to hold off the little piss ants. "Hell, if the last two
world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day
now," said Bush.

Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be
necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general
admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing
under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having
a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out
for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to
do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as
possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure
the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less
they stand out the better.
ole 68 and helper

[Old65]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it. Caution! These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime),
she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." ...
She ALSO votes!
==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got
a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" ... He ALSO votes!

==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." . She ALSO votes!

==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . My sister
ALSO votes!

==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ... He ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned .
My friend ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
. SHE ALSO votes!

ole68

[Old65]

Twas the night before Tookie's execution ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'.

The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes that the reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed ; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.

I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; clutching his books.

The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.

Then at 3:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight !!
ole68

[Old65]

Subject: Chuckle

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back
into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,
but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck
that could happen!"

"No, no... it's true..." said the first man, "let me
prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward
the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips
him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes
the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "Oh my God, I saw that
with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was
scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes
the elevator ! back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully convinces
his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly
passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...

His body hits the sidewalk...Splat !!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns
to the first drinker, and shakes his head "You know, Superman, you're
a real asshole when you're drunk."

ole68

[Old65]

People were in their pews talking at church.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."



olr68

[Old65]

:p :p
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed
quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up
the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the
garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential down pour. There is
snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and
turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and
slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is
out fishing in that ****?
ole68

[Old65]

HOW TRUE this is!!!!!!!!









YOU CAN'T STEAL MY CHRISTMAS
Poem by Sharon Steege

I don't know who they are
Saying I can't greet the crowd
The way that I want to
Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I walk into a business place
See things that I rather not see
But dare I not say CHRISTMAS
And ask for a "holiday" tree.

What happened to freedom of speech
And living in the land of the free
How can they take my CHRISTMAS money
But can't say MERRY CHRISTMAS to me.

Men and women have given their lives
So we could still go free
I wonder how they would feel
At saying "HOLIDAY" TREE.




Come on AMERICA let's wake up
Don't let our freedom escape
If they get by with doing this
What else will they take.

This is starting to get out of hand,
And I've begun to keep track
Well I've just about had enough
I'M TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK.


So MERRY CHRISTMAS AMERICA
I hope this gets all over the net
If we all stand united and take freedom back
'Twill be our best CHRISTMAS YET!



MERRY CHRISTMAS
EVERYBODY






MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS!


MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS!



ole 68

[Old65]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt...." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver chest hair.

She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience. She said,
"You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

old 68

[Old65]

oLE 68 IN A LOT OF PAIN .
hAVE A GOOD WEEKEND
OLE 68

Posted on the law enforcement list. Proves that nobody is beyond of move
like Larry the Cable Guy



My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future.

Here goes:

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stungun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who
know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under
the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it.

Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*******!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie
was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two,I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Miss 'em . .. . sure would like to get 'em back