"My New Conspiracy Theory"

[NeelyGirl]

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~We can’t prove there’s no link between human anger and violent weather. So could the hurricanes be Mother Nature’s response to our nasty election season?

Sept. 18 - I would not call myself a veteran conspiracy theorist. Or an obsessed one. I pretty much peaked on the whole conspiracy theory thing in the ’60s, with the grassy knoll, who really killed JFK, and who ordered the hit on Lee Harvey Oswald.

But since the millennium, I’ve gotten back into it. There was even a brief period a few years ago when a politically astute friend whispered to me that he thought the government was printing up excess money to give Americans a false sense of economic stability. That was around the time when we were all getting those $300 tax-rebate checks from the government, so it made sense to me. Then that same friend told me, a month later, that he’d changed his mind. The government money printers were actually not working overtime in the wee hours of the morning just to fool all of us. I hate it when that happens—I was really getting into that one.
I’ve accumulated a number of theories in the past year: The frequent terror warnings are a lascivious plot to deaden our senses and our mental acumen, with the goal of reducing us to numb, lobotomized robots; Osama bin Laden is under house arrest on a wild, barely populated island and will be trotted out a week before the election; some White House operative figured out how to mess with Bill Clinton’s heart so he couldn’t go out and help John Kerry. Another White House operative has kidnapped John Edwards—think about it: where is he?

Here is my latest one: Mother Nature has picked up on all the anger and meanness that is bubbling up from the big land mass with the two-party political system and an election looming, and she is responding with her own version of anger and meanness—one hurricane after another.

Am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that a chain of hurricanes has ravaged the country not too long after the Republican convention, when meanness reached a fever pitch? It makes perfect sense to me that Zell Miller’s vitriol and over-the-top rage would drift out of Madison Square Garden, up into the atmosphere, and actually become a weather pattern. Add to that Dick Cheney, who at the Convention tried at moments to seem kindly and grandfatherly… but I don’t think he fooled anyone. Especially since he followed his performance with that comment about John Kerry leaving us open to another terrorist attack if elected president. I’ll bet no kids go trick-or-treating at the Cheney house on Halloween. Then there are, of course, the Swift boat veterans—lots of anger there—and the rebuttal from the Democratic side about George Bush’s questionable National Guard record, which may be true or may be the result of grudges and, yes, more anger. Even Dan Rather is sounding awfully perturbed these days.

Campaign rallies seem to be pretty dangerous places: people are getting arrested for wearing the wrong T-shirt or asking the wrong question. You’d probably be safer going to some punk-rock concert and hanging out in the mosh pit.

I think if we could look down on ourselves from some mythical Mount Olympus, we would see a mushroom cloud of anger rising up from America. Which brings me back to Mother Nature. It seems perfectly plausible to me that Nature, bombarded by all this nastiness rising up into the atmosphere, felt left out and decided, “Hey, I’m going to get into the act, too. A few hurricanes ought to do it.” Even Mother Nature might want to be trendy, and what’s more trendy now than rage? Listen to how people talk about the hurricanes; they use words like “mean” and “angry”. They talk about Nature’s fury. If you weren’t listening carefully, you might think they were referring to the presidential race.

We certainly can’t prove that there isn’t a link between human anger and violent weather patterns, so why not consider the possibility? This, by the way, is the cornerstone of any conspiracy theorist’s argument—if you can’t prove it isn’t true, ponder the possibility that it might be. And really, who knows what kind of energy we unleash into the cosmos when we deliberately try to smear and destroy another person? Personally, I’m waiting for the tidal waves to start, not to mention the plagues of locusts.

Here is a suggestion. Both political parties and both candidates agree to set one day aside for niceness—preferably before the next hurricane arrives. This will be very difficult for some people, I know, so in those cases they might just have to take a vow of silence for 24 hours. It has to be real, heartfelt niceness—no under the table snarling, no unearthing old documents, no name calling and no trying to be funny at someone else’s expense. And then we’ll all watch the Weather Channel and see if my theory is right. I think it’s entirely possible that Mother Nature will pick up on the vibe and stop huffing and puffing and blowing people’s houses down. The problem is, we have to stop huffing and puffing first, and that is a very tall order.

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